|
For all of you out there who loved this video game and thought to yourselves, "Wouldn't this make a terrific movie" - this must feel like a dream come true. For the rest of us, it's an evil, confusing nightmare. It's like somebody dumped out a giant puzzle where every piece represents a character or a subplot - and then totally forgot to leave instructions on how to fit it all together.
Here are just some of the numerous elements that they manage to work in:
- The ancient Abkani tribe of Indians unlocked a gate and let evil into the
world, then managed to figure out a way to lock it away again... but they
vanished before they could fill us in on the details.
- Professor Hudgens (Mathew Walker) is a mad scientist who performs experiments
on the orphans at Our Lady of Perpetual Evil, until one child escapes.
- That child grows up to be Edward Carnby (Christian Slater) - paranormal
detective with superhuman strength.
- Professor Hudgens finds the Abkani evil locked away in a solid gold trunk
on a sunken ship (those ancient ones sure got around). And of course, some
greedy stupid person lets the evil out of the box.
- The government has formed a secret organization, Bureau 713, to do battle
against bad things and Commander Richards (Stephen Dorff) runs the show
- everybody used to work there, so they obviously have a problem with high
turnover.
- Then there's Aline (Tara Reid), who goes from the most unbelievable museum
curator ever (it actually looks like it hurts her brain to say those big
scientific words) to a pistol-packing mama unafraid to go in after the
"evil things" even after a legion of commandos are wiped out.
She also punches (not slaps) Edward in the face before taking him to bed
- not our first choice as a greeting, but it does get his attention.
- Professor Hudgens (again?! - what is this guy's problem) creates a spine-melding
worm that turns ordinary people into thoughtless killing machines (but
don't call them zombies - they're xenos).
- Some of the creatures can be killed with special bullets coated in liquid
sunlight (not exactly the technical term they use, but they do glow). However,
it's hard to tell if they're talking about the Abkani creatures or the
ones created by Professor Hudgens, or are they really the same thing?
There's a point in the movie where it's best to stop trying to make sense out of this unintelligible story and it's either when they're directed to proceed to the abandoned gold mine, when the museum suddenly becomes a battleground, or right after the opening credits (it's a tough call).
There's plenty of action (granted, it's the silly-beyond-words kind of action), a very high body count with lots of blood, tons of bullets, but only one really close look at a skull smashed in two, and laughable dialog - including the king of the obvious. When they finally admit, "It doesn't make any sense," truer words were never spoken. The result is yet another January movie vying for top honors in the Codswallop category.
Home
|
